Thanks for the warning…

SUMMARY OF THE PAST YEAR ON MY COMPUTER !

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now use a wet towel on every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because I’ve learned that it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gasoline without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I know that I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones or allow my children to play in ball pits because one one of us could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus or Mrs. Fields since I now have their recipe.

I know I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my hiney.

And thanks to the great advice, I will never pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I know if you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur be cause it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

If you don’t believe me, just go check it out on Snopes.

Have a wonderful day….

2 comments

  1. Between all the lotteries I have won, as well as that Nigerian Ministry guy, we should have enough money to finish our landscape plan!

  2. Oh and don’t forget that European student whose family is coming to the States and wants to sign their child up for 6 months of lessons for an hour our two each week…That could really bring in the dough.

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