Manic Debbi is gone. And I miss her.
In her place is the girl I hate. She brings with her the baggage of the past – all those insecurities and hurts that I packed away long ago – and brings them out, one by one, and flaunts them in front of me. Reminds me that there will always be someone with a nicer house, a cleaner house…someone prettier, more successful at losing weight, more fun, more popular, a better mom, a better Christian, a better teacher, a better scout leader, more patient, a better wife…and on and on until all I can see is my failure. And then, insidiously, she pours herself a hot drink and curls up close beside me for some “girl chat”…all the while tickling my ear with lies I have tried not to believe…about how I have failed my husband, my children, my family, my friends…reminding me of how others have let me down and encouraging me to be angry, hurt, and disappointed – focusing on their failures – rather than be forgiving and extending grace and trying to understand their point of view…about how my efforts don’t really matter and no one really cares because after all, I’m not all that important. I can’t claim to be an expert at anything I do. At best, I’m “very good” but not GREAT.
After awhile, I grow weary of fighting the lies. And I start to believe them. I start to give in…to the hurt, the anger, the disappointment, the feelings of failure.
In the midst of this darkness, I find a ray of light…a glimmer of hope. A message of brightness and joy.
Today, I am grateful for a special friend who sent me this email:
I want you to know how much I appreciate the leadership you are taking in the Pre-K music realm (Sundays and summer). It is tremendous to watch you work and give of your gifts—and the way God is bringing this team together shows His goodness and strength in it all. As I look across the Studio, I wish there were more leaders like you.
You are such a joy—thank you for being you and for doing all you do.
Love you-
Like me? Wow.
Take that, Depressive Debbi.
Isn’t God so loving and wonderful that just when we think we can’t take anymore of our pity party, He sends a sweet whisper in our ear that shows us just how much He loves us?! Sometimes it’s an encouraging word or a sweet hug.
I too am grateful for the encouraging sweet words that God brings into my life that remind me just how much I am loved and cared for despite my faults and flaws.
I was happy to see you last night. I have missed seeing your face! Love you my friend…
oh and p.s. I dont think I’ve ever met depressed Debbi. I think you should tell her to make like a tree and get outta here!