Back in the Saddle

She posts!  And there is an audible *thunk* from the jaws of my few beloved faithful readers hitting the floor.

Yes, it’s been awhile.  For most of the past year, I have made a valiant attempt to keep the content on this blog somewhat current.  I even had the best of intentions at the beginning of the year.  But somehow, things just didn’t work out that way.  And I suppose it’s time for me to ‘fess up.

You see, over the past two days I’ve had two very special friends (and faithful readers, I might add) who have told me how much they miss this blog.  And I’ve been pleasantly surprised to discover that there are actually people who enjoy reading what I write, who look forward to seeing new posts, who actually keep up with our family’s goings-on and my silly and sometimes poetic musings about life, the universe and everything.  And I’ve been humbled, as well.

Because for the past 11 months, blogging has been a real struggle for me.  And the fact that it’s been a struggle is in itself a struggle.  For most of my life, I have been able to use writing as an emotional outlet.  Whether things are happy and bright, or whether I’m facing darkness and gloom, I’ve found that putting my thoughts down on paper (whether literally or figuratively) helps me process my experiences, refocus my outlook, and rebalance my perspective.  But something happened last April that left my soul hollowed-out and empty, and my mind dried-up and drained.  I deliberately disobeyed God and did something I knew He did not want me to do.  And afterward, I knew I had blown it.  I knew I had missed out on His blessing because I had been selfish, I had done what I wanted.

It took awhile for me to forgive myself.  I knew God had forgiven me, but it was much harder to let go of my own self-criticism.  And for awhile, I really wondered if I could ever be fully restored.  But then I felt God’s call to go to Uganda, and I answered.  Almost as if a test from Him to see if I had learned my lesson, He asked if I would follow and obey.  I wasn’t about to make the same mistake twice.  Things began to look up.  Though busy, I felt more spiritually at peace than I had in several months.  My marriage and family relationships began to heal from my withdrawal, and I was able to finally forgive myself and move forward.

And then Satan showed up with his “fig”. A month before I was scheduled to leave on what was to be the most life-impacting, spiritually challenging experience of my life, Satan sneaks in and dangles that juicy, ripe fig in front of me.  While I can’t openly share all the details of this particular struggle, I can assure you that it is not an addiction.  Matt and I are not in danger of separating or divorcing.  My relationship with my children is happy and healthy and they are as well-adjusted and normal as any typical 7- and 10-year old with imperfect parents can be.  But this is about a relationship and desiring things that God has clearly said are not mine to have.  And the battlefield is in my mind.  It’s a struggle of desiring the things that are right and pure and lovely…and bringing every thought into captivity.  It’s a struggle of longing for the things and the relationships I have…and not fantasizing about or desiring the one I can’t.  And this struggle has absolutely consumed me for the past 5 months.

I know what the Bible says.  I know I am already victorious in Christ.  I know Christ has already paid the penalty for those times I’ve allowed those wayward thoughts into my mind and indulged in my worldly fantasies.  I know God has forgiven me each time I’ve confessed my sin.  I know He is right there waiting to bring me back into a loving and deeper relationship with Him.

But frankly, most of the time I don’t feel it.  I don’t feel His presence like I did when Matt was fighting his battle against cancer.  I don’t sense Him carrying me like I did when my dad died unexpectedly.  I don’t feel His nearness and tender care like I did when I was suffering with loneliness and depression in high school and college.  I don’t hear His soft whisper in my ear like I did when my job was far too stressful and the future seemed uncertain.  For the past several months, God has seemed silent.  Distant.  Aloof. And the sad thing is, I know it’s me who has moved.  He is still in the same place He’s always been.

And so I have been silent, too.  Because I know that I have used my blog to share spiritual insights and encouragement I’ve received.  I write about what God is teaching me, what I’m learning, and how to put it to use in daily life.  I write about what I’m grateful for, and the ministries He has placed me in.  I write about how God is reaching out to my children and writing His name on their hearts.  And I’m afraid of being called the worst name I could possibly imagine: “hypocrite.”

I was called that once.  And I’ll never forget the sting those words left…because it was true.  So, to avoid that pain again, I felt it was easier to hold my tongue.  To keep my struggle private.  To get all my ducks in a row and let things get back to normal before I put myself “out there” again.

But now I can see that things may never get back to normal.  I will probably never have my ducks all in a row.  This struggle is going to be with me for a long time, and can be a good thing to make me more dedicated in my desire to follow Christ and remain focused on Him.

So with that, I’m back.  I’m still busy, and life never seems to slow down, but I’m ready.  Ready to get back in the saddle.  Ready to be open and honest.  Ready to admit that I don’t have all the answers.  Ready to recognize that I’m going to fall, but by God’s grace and through the power of His forgiveness I can have hope of victory.

This old saddle sure feels good.